Always On The Run

Of course I failed big time sticking to my "nutrition" plan. Am drinking a lot lately, which has got to stop. Seriously. Anyway, the past 6 days something really really strange is happening to me, as far as my eating habbits are concerned: (at least it happens to me for the first time) I do not feel hungry not a bit all day long, and only around 8-9 pm I feel hungry but do not feel the urge or ability to eat, there is only the primitive signal to my brain which says "you are hungry, your stomach is empty" and I feel nausea and sick BUT BUT BUT each and every time I hve tried to eat a little bit to make the sickness go away (for example yoghurt and cereal, simple salad only green etc) I cannot digest it properly I feel each and every time worse than before and I result each and every time purging. Last time I puked blood, got scared to death and its absolutely grose anyway...  I know  I have to stop this thing. Hope 2009 is a better year. Dont we all?

So I wake up and feel sorry to have to look at myself in the mirror. I avoid looking at myself lately. I hate myself and I hate my image. However I dont feel the two are connected, I realise there are 2 "mes" and unfortunately I hate both of them. Like a 0. A null. What do I have to offer to the world if not my negativity or my stupid obsessions?? Why am I studying whilst I know Im going to be a loser no matter what? Why do I have to think about all that stuff?? Why do I have to hate me??

E.