Always On The Run

Of course I failed big time sticking to my "nutrition" plan. Am drinking a lot lately, which has got to stop. Seriously. Anyway, the past 6 days something really really strange is happening to me, as far as my eating habbits are concerned: (at least it happens to me for the first time) I do not feel hungry not a bit all day long, and only around 8-9 pm I feel hungry but do not feel the urge or ability to eat, there is only the primitive signal to my brain which says "you are hungry, your stomach is empty" and I feel nausea and sick BUT BUT BUT each and every time I hve tried to eat a little bit to make the sickness go away (for example yoghurt and cereal, simple salad only green etc) I cannot digest it properly I feel each and every time worse than before and I result each and every time purging. Last time I puked blood, got scared to death and its absolutely grose anyway...  I know  I have to stop this thing. Hope 2009 is a better year. Dont we all?

So I wake up and feel sorry to have to look at myself in the mirror. I avoid looking at myself lately. I hate myself and I hate my image. However I dont feel the two are connected, I realise there are 2 "mes" and unfortunately I hate both of them. Like a 0. A null. What do I have to offer to the world if not my negativity or my stupid obsessions?? Why am I studying whilst I know Im going to be a loser no matter what? Why do I have to think about all that stuff?? Why do I have to hate me??

E.

I thought of posting my plan in a desperate wish for helping it come true.
Briefly::::

DECEMBER
8th - 26th     Master Cleanser
27th - 28th   Orange Juice
29th - 31st   3 a day Fruit Diet

I've already got one for January to, but I will not rush and accomplish this one first.
Well, seems like I gained 2lbs (100) but I'm also waiting for my period this week. Im thinking 91 as my first goal and then 85.

I am going crazy with all that stuff I have to do, all this learning and studying, I am so so so anxious, I struggle not to cut myself, but instead I eat& purge. So disgusting. I hope I can at least control this, only this, oh my :(

Comcentrate and focus. Silence.

   

* I think that just being alive is so much work at something you don't always want to do *


                     

                

*You are in a terrific position right now to make a significant move in your life, dear Pisces. With a great deal of physical energy coupled with incredibly high self-esteem, you have what it takes to make a major push toward the larger goals for which you are striving. There is opportunity coming at you from all angles, and the energy at hand is fast and furious. Your strong, courageous nature is ripe for hopping aboard the open boxcar when the train comes zooming by.

I'm not doing good, am rather desperate& seek comfort in horoscopes! Yeah right, I guess that says just as much.. I am really into deep bulimic episodes, have forgotten all about my fasting plans, the situation is getting out of hand- at least my scale my best friend is showing down. I feel like Im in another world, I have promised myself to stop throwing up next month, will be my Christmas present. I weigh exactly 98 lbs at the moment, not that bad! So, I was thinking for the Master Cleanse/ Lemonade Detox Diet to get back on track. Other than that, I just hate boys at this point, hate men !!! ::(( And am so lonely, me and my kitty cat. My parents are in their world too, my mom cant seem to ive up on smoking or drinking. And I fear a certain tendency for alcoolism has passed to my DNA since I have spent last week drunk every second day! Anyway, I am really sick& tired being always pessimist or depressed. Dont want this anymore. Want my old self back. Where are you? Where am I?

Good news are that I am active in short-stories writting again& plan to take part in 2 competitions. xx

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

I am enjoying my loneliness so much lately.. Hidden from the rest of the world, in my "microcosmos" I am reading my books, I am feeding my thoughts, I am getting mentally fatter each and every day, while on the other hand I am starving m filthy body, this hideous image I do not dare to look in the mirror. I get so enthusiastic about reading new books and finding new paths of thinking, I love my mother for making me a bookworm. I also get enthusiastic about each and every pound I lose, I love my father for wanting me perfect. I am trying hard not to get (too much) depressed. I am trying to break out from this isolation mania, which makes me suffer, but deep inside I enjoy, as said.

Well the truth is I would die to be normal. I would die to stop having all these questions coming out of nowhere. Lately it occured to me that normal is something I simply will never be,so I shouldnt obsess with that and learn how to live on my own psycho way. This way or the other, I am still here, aint that something?
I am falling in love with my language teacher, ought not to be though, love hurts .. instead I can be secure with M, who is falling in love with me and wants to help me and protect me. He seems to understand. And J says he loves me from 12.556km away. That's a very interesting love-life, don't you think? Especially focusing on how easily and superficially I have used the word "love" in the previous lines. Je suis tragiquement folle ..

4 letters, 4 buchstaben, 4 lettres, 4 letras. FAST FAST FAST FAST. I have to be strong for a little while longer. I am wasting time anyway, why not waste some more pounds too?

I have a new diet plan. 30 day fast. I am on day 5 today. I pray to all gods available to give me streght and will to accomplish it.

Movie * Jane Eyre
Music * I'm not there - Sonic Youth
Book * Poemes suivis de mirlitonnades - Samuel Beckett

..is go to sleep and never wake up. It doesn't have to be death, it should just be a pause from a living nightmare. A deep undisturbed sleep.

Take me away.

I wanted to post something optimistic to my LJ page. Today I feel relatively good. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm enjoying it. I went yesterday to a book fairy, I'm a total bookworm, and I bought amongst others a little book about "Happinness". It is supposed to give small advices to make yourself happy, so I thought I will read it each time I dont feel like I'm making it through the day (could be I'm reading it every day) so at least some of it I will keep unconsciously in my mind. Who knows? 
[[I'm having terrible nightmares these days, I was crying in my sleep yesterday but I dont remembe why I did so.. Almost all these bad dreams concern my parents. It is not strange because the situation makes me really sad, but I'm surprised this whole thing overwhelmed the past 2 years - I mean my parents are fighting and my mother is drinking and my dad was beating us up for like 10 years and I didnt use to have such huge problems with that. I was only cutting myself occasionally, what happened now suddenly? Have I reached my limit?]]
Anyway, I said Im posting an optimistic post, now that I feel ok for some unknown reason. My parents call me these days& only say positive things so Im tranquille. In a few days my exam period starts and I have to study hard hard hard, I cannot bring myself to it but I hope I will do well. I'm a little behind. 
So, positive thoughts to anyone who takes some time and read this - 
it is so true that tomorrow WILL BE better, I dont believe it when Im down, but it is so true. If you hold on, just hold on there, no matter how bad you feel, some time it will get better. Some time. Thats hope, isnt it?

Do you really wanna know?  So, I was wondering if I had a gun, a real gun, would I use it? Would I point it against someone..against me? Well, it is true that I'm instable& sometimes overwhelmed by emotions.. But I'm a coward too, I don't think I could do that. Although it would be wise. Once again I am asking myself, "who am I???" and cannot come up with an answer. Once again I feel so terrible about myself. And my mother was drunk again today :( Basically I am so wrong, and sad. I am sick of being sad. S A D --

       

There was hope and they killed it...

I am so confused. And sad. I was sitting with my sister today& somehow at a time when I wasn't careful she saw under my long sleeves the cuts in my hand. She started yelling at me that she hates me and that she finds me disgusting and she stood up and went away. Then I called her back, telling her "but we wanted to watch this show together" and she said "no way I'm disgusted by you and the stupid things you do, leave me alone". I woke up feeling ok, now I feel like crap. Nobody will ever love me, never am I going to be a normal person. I am so silly when I think its going to get better, have faith, cause tiny incidents like that with my sister remind me of who I am and where I belong. I'm so tired. 

Lately my appetite has sunk. To be honest I am really happy about that, it has been 2 weeks that I haven't lost a pound and I am planning to fast now that I'm off antibiotics for my wisdom teeth. But its not like the other times when I didnt want to eat because I was restricting. Now I cant stand the idea of eating, when Im hungry I get this weird feeling that something is going completely wrong and when I eat a little bit I want to puke instantly& feel like something bad has happened and I have a huge burden on my chest. I don't have a clue what this means. 

Why does my heart feel so bad?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

I just had a cold bath to wake me up. I'm sleeping too much lately, despite the fact that I'm also drinking too much coffee. It's like something deep inside me finally sees the unbearable uglyness of my life. Cause honestly I can't anymore. I'm so done with fighting. At least I am able to keep myself from eating. I sleep too much& see weird dreams. Sometimes I don't feel happy, not even there. I hope this ends.. Sometime..Anytime.

                                                                      

So maybe I could starve away others' mistakes too. Maybe I could starve away my freaky family too.. Maybe I could disappear occasionally.. Today's picture is my life. Knives and scissors and razors and bleeding arms. Im drinking at the moment the 3rd coffee. Interesting.

                                                          

I dont wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it�s hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And thats what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...... 
 

Can it be that I am a professional addict? I always find someone or something to get addicted to, obsessed about! I think I'm lately addicted to pain killers& coffee. I hope it won't get worse... I am afraid of writing more. 

So, this is simply my dream world. A place where I've locked up myself, a parallel univers of madness.



Story 392 (The Tulse Luper Suitcases) :
It is a truism that hapinness, when you are happy, is a limited commodity, but misery, when you are miserable, has no end.

 I can't stand the competition. Whatever the form. I can't stand myself. 

I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm gonna try for the kingdom, if I can
'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And I'll tell ya, things aren't quite the same
When I'm rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus' son
And I guess that I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know
I have made the big decision
I'm gonna try to nullify my life
'Cause when the blood begins to flow
When it shoots up the dropper's neck
When I'm closing in on death
And you can't help me now, you guys
And all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk
You can all go take a walk
And I guess that I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know
I wish that I was born a thousand years ago
I wish that I'd sail the darkened seas
On a great big clipper ship
Going from this land here to that
In a sailor's suit and cap
Away from the big city
Where a man can not be free
Of all of the evils of this town
And of himself, and those around
Oh, and I guess that I just don't know
Oh, and I guess that I just don't know
Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head
And then I'm better off and dead
Because when the smack begins to flow
I really don't care anymore
About all the Jim-Jim's in this town
And all the politicians makin' crazy sounds
And everybody puttin' everybody else down
And all the dead bodies piled up in mounds
'Cause when the smack begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
Ah, when the heroin is in my blood
And that blood is in my head
Then thank God that I'm as good as dead
Then thank your God that I'm not aware
And thank God that I just don't care
And I guess I just don't know
And I guess I just don't know

 

I 'm feeling better today. I'm fasting. Could it be the bulimic addictive cycle is over? Hope so, the past few days were a nightmare. My parents say I'm too pale& thin, do I? Does the mirror lie? I don't think so ..

Wrap your troubles in dreams
Send them all away
Put them in a bottle and
Across the seas they'll stay

Speak not of misfortunes
Speak not of your woes
Just steal yourself a holiday
Crouching by the door

Ride and sway to music's pain
Searing with the sides
Caress it with a lover's touch
For it shall be your bride

Wrap your troubles in dreams
Send them all away
Put them in a bottle
And across the seas they'll stay

Slash the golden whip, it slaps
Across the lover's sides
The earth trembles without remorse
Preparing for to die

Salty ocean waves and sprays
Come crashing to the shore
Bullies kick and kill young loves
Down on barroom floors

Wrap your troubles in dreams
Send them all away
Put them in a bottle
And across the seas they'll stay

Violence echoes through the land
In heart of every man
The knife stabs existent wounds
Pulse runs through matted hair

The gleaming knife cuts early
Through the midnight air
Cutting entrails in its path
Blood runs without care

Excrement filters through the brain
Hatred bends the spine
Filth covers the body pores
To be cleansed by dying time

Wrap your troubles in dreams
Send them all away
Put them in a bottle
And across the seas they'll stay
 

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

By Sylvia Plath